To let go….?? or not??…..The Grudge.

A mug of black coffee, silent late nights with the soft background music…. The perfect recipe when both heart and brain actually speak out….

It truly feels great, to be back on the domain of my thoughts at word press. Finally, this vagrant has found a small house for the time being. After few months of winding and unwinding of belongings, emotions and places, here I am again sharing few short stories with you to just pause for few minutes, think and move on…

These are nothing but a quick reflection of your life with very usual situations. The only difference is that each one of you will deal with each ending of the story differently…

My reader friends, this one is dedicated to you all, hope it gives a whisper to your heart mushrooming up a deep thought.

So lets get started….Relax and Read..As  it has nothing to do with the Global market, Politics or the Petrol prices……

Tale 1

The month of June, when the sun  relishes the baking of the earth with its heat waves running marathon to touch each possible molecule. Yes, the month of June, when the university exams too take the privilege of hovering the campus with the stress and fear of gobbling the lessons at the last moment. Everyone was waiting for the month end with the hope of beginning of monsoons and the ending of the exams. Time flew and here came the last exam ” marketing management” and the ” June End”, after the answer sheets were handed over with the sigh of relief, I was crawling out of the classroom with the mixed feeling of ” awaited grades and the summer break”, Suddenly, a voice of peppy  hi!! broke the flow of my thoughts,  I turned  around and saw ” a girl with soft curls, huge smile and eyes which reflected expressions with each blink. The eyeliner neatly highlighted the eye lashes. The brown mat lipstick complimented the dusky complexion  which was in fashion during the end of the last century !!1999. The broad shoulders wore pastel top with co-coordinating denim and heels. She looked as if she just,” won the Oscar Award”, Lets go for coffee – were the next bunch of words thrown off. The way she spanked these words, I was not left with any choice but to join the bubbles of fun this girl offered me. She showed me the famous eating joints and all the gossips of the campus. In no time, we girls were giggling and cracking jokes. One meeting lead to another five long years accord. From sharing secrets to hoping that our children would be thick just as we are. The tracks of life deviated creating gaps which were not likely to get filled ever….

Two of them, didn’t speak to each other for seven long years…

Tale 2

Children played hide and seek, statue-statue in the garden, smeared their hands in the mud, plucked flowers, sang songs while sitting in the see-saw. A very common evening site during nineties.Perhaps, we were the last generation who relished the real world fun which was without i-pads and i phones.Like any other summer vacation the entire gang of children were playing in the garden, when in a splash of a moment one child got hurt and the blame came on the child who pushed him by mistake. Within few minutes the environment changed into the battle of mums.

The two families didn’t speak to each other for two years……

 

Tale 3

Love can not be the reason of binding people always, It often turns out the reason of resentment too.

Hey,” How’s your sister”, I asked my friend. The reply was absolutely ashy, ” I don’t know “. After a long chat, he spilled the beans,” She married her boyfriend, didn’t bothered of family’s dignity”. Have eliminated her from my life. Neither she calls nor I talk.

They fought, they cried, they shared chocolates,they waited patiently while their mum served them food, they competed for grades, they teased each other, they celebrated birthdays and Diwali’s….Two of them share their genes then why not feelings..??

The two didn’t speak to each other…….its been three years now….

The power of speech and expression is the greatest strength we as humans have, So what is it, that stops majority of us to speak, clarify, express, accept and wrap the situations and people.

The shared above real life stories, have a common element – anger, resentment or what we often call, ” Grudge”.

Which” as described by the dictionary is very simple, it says, “a feeling of ill will or resentment”, Well the way it changes the entire gimmick of lives of people, from changing jobs to parting off from the life partner.

It is simply not so simple.

Every chapter of life has different experiences, Experiences which genuinely effect us, settle down as memory . Pleasant experiences turn into happy memories, which always jingle in heart and give us high of living life. And on the other hand anything unpleasant, dismay or bruises to the little heart forms a baggage of grudge, which gets nicely sealed and boards the flight of consciousness. It has no defined shape, size or color. Different people react differently making it a unique master piece each time.

Widely, we can say there are two kinds of baggage/Grudge….Minor and Major.

Minor grudge, is like a bubble on the surface of water, which disappears on its own, with the change of time, situation and life style. The individuals life, doesn’t gets much affected leading the least level of tarnish to the thought wave and life.

Major grudge, ” is something like your own shadow, which keeps on rotating around you and shifts to the jungle of your thoughts in the dark”. The effect is truly devastating ” as the experience caused is like a head on collision with the damages having the trivial hope of repair.

Why humans hold grudge is beautifully explained by Alex Lickerman. The First reason is the left over anger or when one can’t let go of anger. Secondly the inward sense of justice gets satisfied, thirdly our grudge intends to punish the offender the same way. The grudge forms a protective wall for any other clarification. It makes the person, feel superior as well as secured.Fourth, our grudge doesn’t let our offender off the hook without punishment.  Our grudge is our personal punishment of our offender.  Fifth, to hold the grudge is to harm as we’ve been harmed.  It feels satisfying   Sixth, we feel the offender is incapable of good behavior; thus, our grudge reduces the other’s sense of humanness.  The grudge prevents us from believing they have any positive characteristics at all.

So, is it something like we are born with or is it something we learn from our environment??  Well The facts and studies related to this are quite interesting to know that how it actually affects and shapes the child preparing him to develop the habit of carrying or not carrying grudge. The subject itself is intense and has been discussed at the end of the article.

After all, why so much of ruckus of discussing this subject. Why it is so significant??

Well, as such, keeping grudge for anyone does no good to your own self, it slowly corrodes the positive energy of your’s.  More you think, more you are giving importance to it which in turn will lessen the importance of your current priorities. It will not only give a negative impact on your moods but also your performance at work and people around you, which might become the punching bag with no fault of theirs. We often forget that life is termparory and so our problems and baggage attached to it. This heavy feeling will always erupt as a barrier in the path of your success, so its very vital to help and check your thoughts.

And now…the tales…

Tale 1 ( my story)

Yes, keeping ill feelings and anger creates a shell. A shell which gives an assurance that,” what you are doing is right”. During the silence of seven years, I always remembered my friend of how we would spend time talking non stop. How she would come to pick me up at railway station. How her mom and family always treated me like a family. Her elder brother became my elder brother. Her bhabhi became my bhabhi too. The weddings were incomplete without our contribution to the fun. I would quietly see her profile on Facebook and wonder if she would ever accept my friend request. I was always updated of the major events of her life,  the day she became mother, her holidays, her birthday parties her professional switch over everything. A very weird feeling of anger, resentment and the wish of bouncing of friendship always created storms in my heart. But  each time, i made conscious effort of consoling self that this is life and one has to move on.

Tale 2

The children forgot the fight but mothers could not come over the feeling of justification of being a protective mom. The children were not allowed to talk to each other. The birthday invitations stopped. Children created separated peer groups. The effects were, it created a stile in the adult peer group too, creating a silent unfriendly environment. The children became the victim of adult grudge battle.

Tale 3

The sibling bonding is for life time. No matter how much you fight and have a distance of communication something always ties you back. The friend of mine always avoided the subject whenever I tried to trigger the entire issue of forgiving and accepting. The level of attachment to the sister showed very well, with the level of hatred he spoke of her. I could hear him crying aloud that I don’t like uncomfortable scenario in the family .

Tale 3, has an added on emotional element called ” Pain”.There are times, when the grudge takes the form of Pain. There’s a thin line between the two. When people tell you, ” oh stop thinking about it,” But the fact is , ” The pain persists and is not willing to disappear. ” On this the famous author, TV personality, healer  Iyana Vanzant  gave a very interesting definition to (Grudge)Pain – Pay attention inward now. Its beyond physicality that you need to pay attention to. To calm it down people look out for cigarette or a drink or shop or go for a party. She quoted, Until you heal, the wound of your past  will continue to bleed. Bleeding means, your life source is leaking out. She says, ” Grudge or Pain is not natural, but normal in the society.” She gave three simple steps, Feel it, deal it, heal it.

Feel it – feel it to the core. Accept the reality. Deal it – learn to be with the pain. Heal it – give it time to heal till it gets swept on it own or seek help of friends, family or a counselor.

Other alternative is one can try and follow below simple steps to analyse and evaluate the issue.

  • Think about it.
  • How much relationship history is involved?
  • Is the person and relationship really important part of your life
  • How strongly do you feel the other person is committed to the issue?
  • Do you think the other person is likely to change his or her behavior over time?
  • What is more important to you the relationship or you walking off ?
  • Do you think the person and the relationship would benefit your life and you as a whole.

Above all, see the broader picture. Try and read beyond the words thrown at you. Some people are very rash while talking on the contrary some people choose to be silent. Evaluate with the free mind and heart, while the disturbing element ego is  kept in a separate platter. There are few good people who would ever be part of your life. There should be real good reason where you actually detach yourself from the relationship or to have a reason for having an ill feeling.

And now,  The tales!!…..what happened to those people…. below is leftover for you to read.

Tale 1

I took the initiative realizing that some silly stupid reason is letting me deprived of a real good friend. The reason had no weight in front of the the beautiful understanding and bonding we shared. At last the ice of silence broke, The two gals fought, discussed and took out everything which was piled up over the years. They told each other, how life was always a bit vacant without the best friend. And now they are back together as thickest friends again….

Tale 2

The children could not bear the weight of the restriction thrown by parents. The evening fun again began. Mothers were happy again seeing their children happy. Children were the reason of the quarrel and children only turned out to be the reason of bouncing back amicability . The mum battle dissolved long back…and today are great family friends.

Tale 3

Its wrong to blame the gentleman, Must be having strong reasons to carry the grudge..but the question is that, ” For how long and at the cost of what”?

 

The choice of taking life and relations with or without grudge is absolutely yours….So, what do you value more ?? Your relations and people OR your resentment ???? Be wise, what you pick because ” Grudge” is not like a fart!! Which one blows off easily with the instant relief…….Its like a cancer, which slowly grows in you and kills silently….

 

If Psychology interests you!!! Please read……

The psychology classes by Mrs. Patodia ( Professor at Academy of Progressive Montessori India, Kolkata) enlightened my queries about it. A  brief elaboration of studies are shared below.

Lets just take a U-turn and go back to formative years. The time,when the child is growing in all the dimensions. That is..

  1. Physical and Motor.
  2. Intellectual and cognitive.
  3. Emotional and Social.
  4. Personality development/overall development.

Since, the subject is related to Emotional and Social development, would discuss the dynamics related to it..

Emotions are majorly categorized into three types. Love, Anger and Fear. Love can give rise to emotions like sympathy, pity, joy and pride at success and grief at loss or failure. Anger can give rise to disgust bitterness and hatred. Fear can give rise to the emotions of inferiority, anxiety, insecurity and despair. During the very initial years the emotional attitudes acquired by junior children are very changeable and do not settle down until their emotional experience gets wider.

The first emotions of young children are directed towards people who satisfy his basic needs for food, warmth, security and freedom to develop. Small children have a great ability to sense and respond to the love and warmth of care offered by the family and environment. On the contrary, if the child is intimated by those around him, he has to learn to bare frustration and emotions of hatred. Now, whether these emotional experiences build up into more permanent feelings of hate or fear, will greatly depend on by whom the child is handled when he is facing a frustrating situation, ” that is when he can not have his own way.”

Emotions play a role of major importance in a child’s life, they add pleasure to his everyday experiences as they serve motivation for action. Emotions influence child’s perception of people and his environment and determine what his characteristics of adjustment to life will be. The emotional reactions and most often experiences develop into habits. They become important driving force in his life.The very young child has strong emotions and little experience of controlling them. He doesn’t understand them and he hasn’t got the words to express them. He simply shows his feelings by his uncontrolled behavior, violence of the limbs, screaming throwing himself on the floor etc.Childhood is the critical age in the development of emotions. If there are any powerful forces for good in the child life, they must be good emotions.

People who have Predominantly happy memories of childhood are far  more better adjusted as adolescence and adults than those whose memories are centered on unhappy experiences. Although emotions are present at birth, emotional development is due to maturation and learning, not to either one alone.Individual differences are inevitable because of differences in maturation levels and learning opportunities….Many psychological activities like perception, learning, memory etc are influenced by emotions.

Deprivation of pleasant emotions like joy, love,happiness and curiosity stimulates the development of unpleasant emotions that is anger, jealousy, envy, further creating faulty personality with the traits like hostility, lack of self confidence and selfishness. Over all, he becomes a mal- adjusted personality.

A bit of exposure of teaching at the preschool and theories learnt at the institute helped me figure out below steps which can be followed by the adults at home environment.

  • Avoid discussing people in front of your children, this will teach them to be judgmental about others.
  • In order to avoid ” having grudge” as a family tradition, make sure you do not show your negative feelings towards other people.
  • Try and be judicial about the materials and facilities you provide them. Give equal opportunities to all of your children, be it emotional, financial or academic.
  • Do not treat your child like a pet, but a full grown adult.
  • Never compare the failures or the success among siblings. Remember each child is different.
  • Above all, Do encourage your children to speak of how they feel. Respect their thoughts instead of controlling them and telling them to keep shut.
  • Never forget to express your love and affection for them by giving them hugs and cuddles. Children, are sensitive towards touch and this gives them the assurance and security.
  • Do not physically or verbally abuse your child not even occasionally, the chances are the either child will turn out to be rebellious and would never bother about others feelings when he grows up or he will turn out as very submissive with no self esteem.
  • Set yourself as an example of ignoring small issues and moving forward.

 

Thank you so much for your time. Good bye, till I come up with a new flavor of life. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One response to “To let go….?? or not??…..The Grudge.”

  1. well i guess we humans always have a grudge or two against someone or an event or an episode in our life.
    i have always had a few with me but with age realised that there is absolutely no point in having any grudge against anything at all.
    looking at how life has become these days with uncertainty increased its share in leaps and bounds ..i came to realise that life has become even shorter now and in this few moments of breath and love..i rather let go and embrace the good than keep the grudge and make my life miserable.
    just let go….let it go..forgive..forget.. and move on…always absorb the positive from a situation …..and move on….
    forgive n let go…

    Liked by 1 person

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